The Gifts That Golfers Don't Want at Christmas

Calling all golfers! Beware! This is the time of year when your nearest and dearest are turning their thoughts to what on earth they should buy to fill your Christmas stocking. And you know as well as I do that it is not going to be pretty.

I have received some mind-boggling gifts over the years and have decided to give you a list of the things that you most definitely don’t want to be wakening up to on December 25. I suggest that you pass it on to your other half, your parents, your children, your uncles and aunts - anybody who might be scratching their heads and wondering what on earth to buy the golfer in their family.

These are the presents you definitely DON’T want to be opening:

Exploding Golf Balls

Why? Who on earth ever thought it was a good idea to invent exploding golf balls?

The idea is that when your playing partner is not looking you put one on the tee and then all laugh your socks off when he hits it and it disintegrates into a million pieces. 

Really? Do you know ANY golfer who a) would do this and b) would be fooled by it? We all use branded golf balls. These things don’t resemble a proper golf ball in any way, shape or form. Will somebody please tell the people who make them not to bother?

Golf Ball Personaliser 

No, no and no again! Why would you want to impress your name on a golf ball? 

You just know that if you do so, somebody is going to come walking into the clubhouse to embarrass you by telling you where they found one of your golf balls - and are going to rib you endlessly while they are at it.

World's Greatest Golfer Baseball Cap

You are NOT the world’s best golfer. You will never be the world’s best golfer. And you will never wear this cap. Ever! 

The same applies to The World’s Greatest Dad caps etc etc etc. If a golfer bothers to wear a baseball cap at all then it is going to be a branded one.

Sun Visor

I have lost count of how many of these abominations I have received over the years - and each and every one of them has been consigned to a dark place in the attic. 

I live in the UK, I play my golf in the UK - why on earth would I ever want a sun visor? Quite apart from anything else, they offer absolutely no protection to the top of your head. I put these in the same category as exploding golf balls!

Coloured/Emblematic Golf Balls

I am Scottish - and that means I routinely open what I hope is a sleeve of three Titleist ProV1s, only to discover that some "thoughtful" relative has actually bought me either three tartan golf balls or three golf balls emblazoned with the Saltire. 

I wouldn’t mind if they were Titleist, TaylorMade, Srixon or Callaway. But of course they aren’t. They are like lumps of stone that don’t even find their way into my bag of practice balls. They go straight into the bin. I wouldn’t mind, but I can’t even put them in the recycling bin!

Non-Proprietary Golf Balls

Please, if you know me at all then you know that I will ONLY use proprietary golf balls. And that means I will only use golf balls manufactured by a company that I have actually heard of. If you are so tight that you are going to buy me three golf balls made by somebody in a spare bedroom in China then please save your £3.50!

Any Golf Game

I will never play table golf, card golf, dice golf. In fact, let me make this clear - the only form of golf that I will play involves a proper club, a proper ball and a proper golf course. Anything else is NOT golf.

Novelty Head Covers

Aaaarrrggghhhhh! I blame Tiger Woods! He may be the greatest golfer of his generation but when he emerged with a driver cover in the form of a Tiger, it opened the door for all sorts of abominations. 

I do not want a driver cover in the form of a lion, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a crocodile, a pint of beer, a roast dinner. I have a TaylorMade Qi10 driver in my golf bag. It came with a perfectly good head cover - and I will never use anything else to protect it.

Golf Tees in The Form of a Naked Woman

Who ever thought that this was a good idea? I am no prude, but these things offend me, and I am sure that they also offend most women. I use pink tees for my drives and wooden tees for every other club in the bag. I don’t need anybody to give me a bag full of tees in the shape of a naked woman. And nor does anybody else.

Pens in The Shape of a Golf Club

Oh dear! As useless as a chocolate teapot! I believe that I have about 12 of these things scattered around my home. I use a pencil to mark my card and when I need to write anything at home, guess what? I use an actual proper pen! No, really, I do. Golf club pens? Why?

Any Book or Video That Claims to Have Discovered The Secret

Let’s be clear - the ONLY way that any of us are going to improve our games is by taking lessons. In my view, there is no such thing as "the secret". Ask your loved ones to club together and give you a voucher for lessons with your friendly club pro. 

Golf Socks

It is bad enough that anybody in your life would opt to buy you socks for Christmas. It is unforgivable if those socks come with golf flags, clubs or any other golf-related emblems attached.

Golf Survival Kits

For goodness sake! Survival kit? It’s a game of golf. We walk for around four hours and hit a few golf shots. We DO NOT need any kind of a survival kit.

Glow in The Dark Golf Balls

Erm, golf is a game that is designed to be played during daylight hours, so why would any of us need a golf ball that glows in the dark?

Chip The Singing Golf Bag

Do you remember those singing fish that were a fad for a while? 

I stumbled across Chip the Singing Golf Bag when doing some research for this article (yes, I do some research - how dare you!). Apparently, when you have a bad round, Chip the Singing Golf Bag hurls countless pre-programmed golf insults. Somebody shoot me!

Toilet Golf Game

I absolutely refuse to make any attempt to describe this. The name tells you everything you need to know. And if somebody who professes to care about you buys you this for Christmas then it might be time to think about making some changes to your life.

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