The Strangest Things That Happen to Golfers

I recently represented my golf club in a team match that took the form of foursomes play. It is not a format that many of us play very often. The truth is that it can be pretty challenging.

I was playing with somebody who has a reputation for going for everything. On paper, not the ideal partner for foursomes, where you end up playing alternate shots. 

We agreed before the start that he would leave his driver in the bag. His opening tee shot, with a three wood, disappeared into water. I saw many parts of the golf course I did not know existed. 

But, to be fair, I also put him in a couple of pretty tricky places. 

At one par four I sliced my drive into the trees on the right. He insisted that there was a gap he could get through. I would have chipped out sideways. But my partner hit a full-blooded shot. 

It hit a tree and was coming straight for me. I somehow managed to leap in the air just as the ball went through my legs. Phew! I lived to fight another day.

It was one of those "you couldn’t make it up moments" you only see on the golf course. And all was well in the end because we won easily.

But it got me thinking about some of the other bonkers moments I have witnessed, and been victim of, over the years.

Where to start?

(Image Credit: Kevin Diss Photography)

Golf Society Shenanigans

Oh yes, I know…

I used to run a golf society and arranged a trip to France. We all met at a car park in Folkestone before boarding the train so that we could transfer our clubs and cases to the cars of the designated drivers. The first thing that surprised me was that everybody turned up at the right place, at the right time. 

"OK lads. Everybody got their clubs?"

"Yes Derek."

"Everybody got their cases?"

"Yes Derek."

"Everybody got their passports?"

"Yes Derek."

"Oh s**t! I left it on the kitchen table."

So that meant we were one down before we even set off.

The rest of us arrived in France and were heading to our hotel without incident. I was a passenger and wasn’t paying too much attention. That was until I suddenly realised that a car was heading straight towards us on the same side of the road. And that was because my driver was on the wrong side of the road! Fortunately, he realised and swerved!

There is more. Much more.

Broken Clubs

I took the same society to Stoke by Nayland. We always used to have a charity raffle on the Sunday night and I had managed to get my hands on a set of Cleveland irons. The young golfer who won them was very excited.

The following day he put them in his bag. At the first hole he sliced his drive into the trees and pulled out a five iron. This club had never been used before. His playing partners pointed out that he was uncomfortably close to a tree. Too late! He hit the ball and the shaft snapped in two as it struck the tree trunk. After one shot!

Dangerous Play

The same day one of our group was playing in a fourball with somebody who was using a buggy. He was an inexperienced golfer - and not very good, to put it mildly. He shanked an iron shot, it hit the buggy of his playing partner, the ball rebounded and hit him fair and square between the eyeballs., By the time he got to the 18th he was sporting two magnificent black eyes!

That was a memorable trip for another reason. Most of us went to bed at around midnight. When we came down to breakfast the following morning, two of our number were still in the bar from the night before! And managed to get to the first tee.

And then there was the trip to Lakeside Lodge, near Cambridge. We had our meal and were drinking in the bar when somebody realised that one of our group had not been seen for an hour. We found him in the gents toilet, curled up, fast asleep against the urinal!

Angry Golfers

On another occasion we were playing at The Essex. On the Sunday night, one of our number had told me not to invite him again because he hated golf. I thought he was joking. It turned out he wasn’t.

The following day he was playing in the group ahead of us. We had watched him hack his way round, growing ever more frustrated. Clubs were routinely slammed into the ground and twirled through the air. 

We came to the ninth hole, with water on the left. He hit one particularly awful shot and then we all looked on in wonder as he picked up his trolley and threw it into the pond. He then stormed off. But he stopped in his tracks, turned round and started marching back towards the pond, stripped off and waded in. Why? He had realised that his car keys, wallet and mobile phone were in his golf bag!

Worst Hole in One Ever

On another occasion I was playing with a dear friend at Rushmere Golf Club in Ipswich. He had been struggling horribly. And then we came to the par-three eighth hole and he hit yet another dreadful shot. It rolled along the ground in the general direction of the green. The rest of us played our shots and we headed towards the putting surface. His ball was nowhere to be seen. You have already guessed the outcome, haven’t you? One of the worst golf shots any of us had ever witnessed had found its way into the cup for the worst hole-in-one in the history of the game.

Speaking of holes in one…I have been fortunate enough to have had four of them. I was playing in an Ipswich Town FC open day at Waldringfield GC in Suffolk. We came to the par-three fourth and I hit a glorious shot that hit the green, bounced twice and disappeared into the hole. You might think this was something to celebrate. And it was. Right up until the point where I reached the clubhouse and had to buy a round of drinks that set me back £150.

Going back to Rushmere, most of the course is common land, and that means that the locals are entitled to walk the course. And they do. It was common to be standing over the ball and look up to see somebody pushing a pram across the fairway ahead of you. The final straw for me came one day when we arrived on the tee at the par-three 13th hole and were unable to play because two kids were building sandcastles in the front bunker!

Then there was the time that I was playing with my former brother-in-law at the municipal course at Southport. 

Temper Tantrums

He had played magnificently for 17 holes. As we stood on the final tee I informed him that he’d had nothing worse than a five on his card. He duly hooked his final tee shot out of bounds and then threw his driver. It finished up in a tree to the right of the tee. In the meantime, he had stormed off. I hit my own drive and then got his club down from the tree. I finished the hole. He had picked me up and was, of course, going to take me home. Except that there was no sign of him. He had driven off and left me!

I was playing in a singles knockout competition at Waldringfield and was one up with one to play. I striped my drive on the final hole, while my opponent found the rough on the right. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground. Somebody playing the 17th had hooked their second shot and it hit me flush in the forehead. I was seriously dazed and realised that I wasn’t going to be able to continue. My sympathetic opponent claimed the hole and, because I couldn’t play on, also claimed the match.

So yes, when it comes to golf, you really couldn’t make it up!

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