14 Things That ALL Golfers HATE

By: Derek Clements | Tue 28 Feb 2023

WE ALL play golf because we enjoy it. There may be times when it doesn’t feel that way, of course. It is probably one of the most frustrating sports on the planet.

Just when you think you have cracked it, golf has a nasty habit of getting its own back on us. But still we keep coming back.

It is a hard enough game as it is. But there are plenty of outside influences that add to our frustration, things we have no influence over.

So what are the things that ALL golfers hate?

CHEATS

This is top of my list! There are all sorts of cheats. Some of them are blatant - like the golfer who improves his lie in the rough while supposedly identifying his ball. Like the golfer who ALWAYS find his ball in rough. Like the golfer who can’t count! I have never ever been able to understand why people cheat at golf. When all is said and done, the only person they are kidding is themselves. I couldn’t live with myself if I won a competition or a head-to-head matchplay if I had done so by cheating. There is only one way to deal with cheats - call them out!

SLOW PLAY

I don’t care how difficult the golf course - 18 holes should NEVER take more than three-and-a-half hours to negotiate. Whatever happened to ready golf? Why do people feel the need to line up putts from every possible angle, and then stand over the ball frozen like a statue before running the ball six feet past the hole and then repeating the process all over again? And while they are waiting for their partners to play, why haven’t they figured out what club they need for their next shot? And when they hit their drive into six-feet-high rough what on earth makes them think that they are going to find the ball? Slow play - AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

Oliver Wilson

(Image Credit: Kevin Diss Photography)

THE APOLOGIST

This is the golfer who finds fairways time after time, holes outrageous putts from all sorts of distances, rifles irons to six feet, produces miraculous recovery shots, splashes the ball to two feet from greenside bunkers. And plays off 18, shoots four over par, beats you 7&6 and says to you, more than once: “I am really sorry about that Derek. I have never played that well in my entire life.” Tell it to the handicap secretary!

LATE TEE TIMES

So you have booked your tee time and turned up early, headed to the range and hit a few shots to warm up. You then head to the tee for your 9.10am tee-time, only to discover that there are still five groups ahead of you! Grrrrrrrrr…..

BEING RIPPED OFF

Golf is not a particularly cheap game and all of us who play it accept that. So why do so many golf clubs feel the need to charge us £80-£100 when their courses simply are not up to that standard. And you can be sure that when you get to the clubhouse they will be charging you £6.50 for a pint of beer (flat beer - see below) and £20 for a stale pie and uncooked chips.

FLAT BEER

I cannot possibly be the only club golfer who simply cannot understand why so many golf clubs seem unable to keep their beer properly. It’s not rocket science. I enjoy my beer. But I don’t enjoy my beer when it has no head.

COLD SHOWERS

So you have played 18 holes on a cold winter day. You can barely feel your fingers - especially after thinning your approach on frozen ground to the 18th hole. Never mind because you can look forward to nice hot shower and a change of clothes at the end of it all before heading for a lovely warm clubhouse. You head into the changing rooms, turn on the shower - and the water is stone cold! Still shivering, you dry yourself off, change your clothes and discover that the heating in the clubhouse has been turned off!

UNRAKED BUNKERS

Don’t get me started on unraked bunkers. I said, don’t get me started on unrated bunkers. There must be a reason why so many golfers walk out of bunkers without raking the sand. There must be a reason. But, for the life of me, I cannot work out what that reason would be. There is nothing worse than climbing into a greenside bunker and finding your ball nestling in a huge footprint.

PITCHMARKS

Don’t get me started on unprepared pitchmarks. I said, don’t get me started on unprepared pitchmarks. They are the scourge of greenkeepers and they are the scourge of all right-minded golfers. What I really don’t get is that those who leave them must surely also complain about them. And it takes seconds to repair your pitchmark. If you don’t have a pitchfork repairer then you should not be allowed anywhere near a golf course.

DIVOTS

Don’t get me started on divots! I said…. One of the first things grandfather taught me when I began playing golf was to pick up my divot and replace it. It is not complicated. In fact, it is very easy. Right up there with finding your ball in a footprint in a bunker is to hit a glorious drive that splits the short and prepared, only to discover when you get up to your ball that it is nestling in a huge divot hole that somebody has failed to replace.

THE GOLF BORE

Everybody knows one. You are sitting in the clubhouse after your round when the golf bore decides to join you and talk you through every single shot of the round he has just played.

THE WALKING RULES BOOK

Oh no, please spare me from the person who can quote the rule book at you. He usually begins with: “I think you will find that you can’t do that….” This is a person with too much time on his hands. And doesn’t have many friends

THE MASTER OF GAMESMANSHIP

This is the person who develops a cough just as you start your backswing. Or jangles the change in his pocket as you are lining up a putt. Or goes out of his way to point out the out of bounds you hadn’t even noticed. And if he says: “Oh, that really is bad luck” to you one more time you might well be placing your putter somewhere the sun doesn’t shine!

THE BAD-TEMPERED GOLFER

It’s meant to be fun. Those of us who work full-time spend the entire week looking forward to our weekend golf. You have put your name down for the monthly medal, look at the draw and realise you have been drawn with Mr Temper Tantrum. He throws clubs, he slams clubs into the ground. He moans incessantly. And eventually he gets himself into such a tizzy that he stops talking to you. And then, as you shake hands on the 18th green, he says: “Thanks for that. I really enjoyed your company today.” Doh!