How Does Someone Become a Proper Golfer

By: Derek Clements | Tue 07 Feb 2023

THERE are all sorts of golfers at clubs around the country. But what makes a “proper” golfer? Funny you should ask.

Here are my (tongue in cheek) thoughts on the subject…

Clothing

The proper golfer is an individual who looks like a clothes horse. He is a dedicated follower of golf fashion. And he dons tops, trousers and shoes that no self-respecting person would be seen dead in away from a golf course. This is the sport that gave us Rupert Bear trousers and diamond Pringle tops, to name just two crimes against fashion.

The Shoe Shop

The proper golfer will have a collection of shoes. And at least one pair will be….white! Who ever thought that white golf shoes were a good idea? In Britain! Where we have lots of mud and rain.

Clubs

The proper golfer has a bag containing 14 clubs, none of which are more than 12 months old. Traditionally, January is the time when club manufacturers launch their new gear for the gear. And the proper golfer is in his element as he looks to locate the driver that is going to give him extra yards, for the irons that will get him closer to the pin, and for the putter that will guarantee he never, ever three putts. There will also be a mind-boggling collection of wedges in that bag. And he doesn’t care how much it all costs. £450 for the latest driver? Worth every penny. But his wife hasn’t a clue. Oh yes, and there will be dozens of clubs in his garage, the boot of his car, garden shed, loft etc etc.

And it goes without saying that every club has been custom-fitted.

Proper Golfer

Training Aids

No self-respecting proper golfer can possibly resist the latest training aid. It doesn’t matter whether it works or not, or what it’s meant to improve. It’s a gadget. And somebody, somewhere has made the claim it will improve your game - and the proper golfer just cannot resist.

Practice

There is no point in buying training aids unless you head out to the practice ground and hit endless numbers of golf balls to see if said aids actually work. And that is precisely what the proper golfer does.

Lessons

The proper golfer will be able to give you an A-Z of the world’s best golf instructors, swing gurus and coaches. He will also most definitely know who the best local instructors are. It will come as no surprise to learn that he uses them. Extensively!

Competitions

The proper golfer doesn’t do social golf. He or she is interested only in competitive play - monthly medals, club knockouts, open competitions, pairs events, singles events. On the rare occasions when the proper golfer plays with friends there is always going to be money at stake.

Handicap

The proper golfer is absolutely obsessed with his handicap, and working out how it can be reduced. And he absolutely hates poor rounds that see that handicap creeping up, even if it is only by a fraction.

Sky Sports

The proper golfer lives for the game, and that means devouring everything on Sky Sports. Not just live golf coverage from the PGA Tour and DP World Tour. Everything. Absolutely everything. The proper golfer is a walking, talking golf encyclopaedia.

Memory Man

The proper golfer will remember every shot from every round - and will happily share them with anybody who is prepared to listen.

Rangefinder

The proper golfer is a traditionalist. Originally, he thought that using a rangefinder was akin to cheating. But then he realised that the powers-that-be had given them the thumbs up. So not only did he go out and buy a rangefinder - he bought the most expensive one on the market.

Stroke Saver

Not content with arming himself with a rangefinder, the proper golfer will buy a stroke saver at every club he visits. And file them all alphabetically.

Selfies/Videos

The proper golfer films all his practice sessions - and then posts them on social media and checks the posts every day for feedback.

And finally….

The proper golfer loves the history of the sport. He will have a copy of Golf My Way by Jack Nicklaus. And somewhere he will have a persimmon driver and an old Ping putter.