13 Personalities You Are Likely to Meet on the Golf Course

WE ARE all different. And thank goodness for it. However, anybody who has played golf will know that the people they play with on a regular basis will fall into a category. There are lots of different types of characters and personalities. Here, we take a light-hearted look at some of the club golfers we all know. We simply give you the descriptions and will leave it to you to fill in the missing names!

The volcano

The person nobody wants to play with, the golfer you know is going to blow up. You don't know when, you don't know where. You just know that it is going to happen sometime in the round. A series of poor shots will be struck and then, suddenly, and without warning, a series of curses will be released into the air, a club will be smashed into the ground and off he will storm (it's always a he - women would NEVER behave like this). He then sulks for the rest of the round, barely exchanging a word with you. And then, as if by magic, you join him for a drink after the most miserable 18 holes of your life, and it’s as if it never happened. No mention of it, no apology. Nothing.

Mr Self-Important

We all know that it is bad form to take a mobile phone on the golf course. We also all know somebody who always does. And that phone, with its shocking ringtone, always, but always goes off - and usually when you are at the top of your backswing. And when it does, he or she always looks at you and says, yes you've guessed it: "Sorry guys, I've got to take this." If you are so important, if you have so many business deals in the offing, stay in the office. Don't ruin our round of golf.

The victim

“Why does it always happen to me?” Yes, we all know this golfer. He or she is the player who moans endlessly about the fact that they always find their ball lying in a divot in the middle of the fairway. They always hit a tree and end up going out of bounds. Their ball lands in the middle of the fairway and kicks right into a pond. You all watch their ball land in light rough, walk up to where it finished but nobody can find it. As if all that is not bad enough, you get back to the clubhouse and the victim will spend the next hour talking you through their tale of woe - and anybody else who will listen.

The sympathiser

“Oh John, what rotten luck,” he says as the worst shot you have ever hit in your life disappears 100 yards right and way out of bounds. “Unlucky John.” This as you drive the ball straight into the middle of a pond. “Mate, you played much better than that.” No, I didn’t. I play off eight and I just shot a 92. You find yourself counting to 10, smiling through gritted teeth and fighting every instinct within you that tells you violence is not the way to deal with this person.

The organiser

In truth, we all need one of these. This is the person who organises your golf break, asks for your deposit and then starts to terrorise you if you are five minutes late putting the money in his account. He makes sure you get there on time, he takes money for the drinks kitty, he gives you your tee-times - and woe betide you if you turn up late. He organises the menus, he organises the format of golf you are playing, he tells you what handicap you are playing too. He even tries to tell you how much you can have to drink. He is the first to bed and the first up in the morning. And he is the person who goes around knocking on bedroom doors to rouse you when all you want to do is carry on sleeping. Before your golf break is over, you want to kill him! And yet….when that email pops into your inbox telling you about the next break, you are the first person to reply.

The mathematician

There is always one. Here's the golfer who goes through everybody's cards at the end of a stableford competition and always, but always, finds that somebody has made a mistake. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. But no, this indivudual demands that the perpetrator be disqualified. It matters not that he has just had the worst round of golf of his entire life and has scored 15 points - for 18 holes. Gove him a break for pity's sake.

The apologist

“Sorry guys, I really don’t know where that came from!” This is the 15-handicapper who has just scored a gross 76 in your club’s annual invitational tournament. You later find out that it is the sixth such event he or she has won this season. But as long as they are sorry that’s all OK, isn’t it?

The bore

We all know one of these too. This is the golfer who sits down with you at the end of his or her round and talks you through every shot. Every single shot. It doesn't matter that you witnessed it. And when he or she has finished with you, off they trot to the next table and do precisely the same thing. By the end of it all, everybody in the clubhouse is in a daze.

The invisible man

He disappears when it's his turn to buy a drink. Every time. He is always the first one into the changing rooms and the last one out. And if, by some miracle he isn't, then he will find an excuse to go out to his car, fumble around in the boot, wander back into the changing room and then enter the bar. And when everybody else is drinking tea or coffee, he always wants a pint of beer. So here's the solution. Everybody hide and wait for him to walk into the bar, then go up to him, pat him on the back and place your order. He will never do a disappearing act again!

The clothes horse

This is the guy who watches the likes of Rickie Fowler and decides that wearing an orange top and orange trousers seems like a very good idea. He forgets that not only is Fowler a young man who is being paid a fortune to commit some fashion outrages, but he also doesn't have an ounce of spare flesh on his body. The clothes horse usually tips the scales at no less than 15 stones.

The fashion victim

Different from the clothes horse in as much as he doesn't mean to look ridiculous. But nobody has the courage to tell him that nobody wears Rupert Bear trousers and tank tops any more. Go on, pluck up the courage. He needs to know.

The ad man's dream

This is the guy all these TV and magazine adverts are targeted at. He sees the latest driver - he wants it. He sees the latest fairway woods - he wants them. He sees the latest irons - he wants them. He sees the latest putter, with its perfect heel-toe balance. Yes, you guessed it - he wants it. Every year he spends thousands of pounds on new equipment and the latest training gadgets. And does his game improve? Not a bit.

The expert

This is the golfer who takes one look at you swing and tells you that he knows what you are doing wrong. He or she also does the same with everybody else they play with. There is just one slight issue. Their handicap is 28 and hooks, slices and shanks around the course, three-putting for fun, unable to get out bunkers. But of course they know why you can't get out of the sand!

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Image Credit: Kevin Diss Photography