Some Golf related Jokes

 you may have heard some of these but i thought i would share enjoy

Only a golfer would understand: A husband and wife are on the 9th green

when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans

to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few

minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her

head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the

second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for

him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous

with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's

your secret?" Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What

are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron,

father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and

pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The

priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young

man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray,

we keep our head down."

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing

over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I

did.." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her

face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't k now, five, six, maybe

seven times... Just put me down for a five."

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball

into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two

trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a

mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead

and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are

you a good golfer?" The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was

standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are

your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This

isn't going to take all day, is it?"

 A bloke catches up to a lady golfer on the third. She agrees to play with him for the rest of the round. He gives her tips and she plays v well and at the end of the round she beats him. She has enjoyed herself so much and feels bad that she beat him so she gives him a blow job. She tells him she's on holiday for a week and suggests they have a game the following day. Same thing happens and so on 'til the Friday.

 She says 'well, I've really enjoyed myself this week but it's time to go home'. He says 'no stay another week...let's do it again' She replies 'I can't, I have a hospital appointment. I should tell you that I'm in the middle of a sex change programme...and I'm getting my todger lopped off next week'

 The bloke looks at her in horror...'you tell me that and you've been playing off the reds all week!

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing 
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so 
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to 
complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early??What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 
'Where?' he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He 
nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide...'

 How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?...FORE!

 However not the funniest of the 'how many does it take to change a light bulb' jokes.

 Here are a couple of my favourites:

 How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two and it's not funny!

How many sound enginerrs.... one two, one two

How many folk singers?

 Two, one to change it and the other to sing about how much they're going to miss it.

 I'll stop now.

Don't start that Pat...

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?  One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

And a personal favourite.

How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb?  Three, one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder and one to drive them home to Southampton.

Yes, that is a good one. I work with three of them, one's from Zambia.

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services.

Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!"

His wife told him not to overreact with talk about the afterlife. "Go to church and say a little prayer," she suggested, "and you'll feel better."

So Tom headed to church. As he kneeled at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer: "Oh Lord, thank you for everything - my health, my wife and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven I can still play golf."

As soon as he finished, a voice thundered: "Tom, this is the Lord. I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Tom was startled. "Well, give me the good news," he said.

The Lord replied, "The good news is that in Heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it's always free and you will never lose a golf ball."

Tom was ecstatic, "That's wonderful! You've answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?"

The Lord replied, "You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m."

 Cracker.

                 <p><strong>By The Rules</strong></p>                     <p>Two friends were playing golf one day.<br />                       They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules                        with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy&#39;s                        ball landed on a cart path. <br />                       As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his                        friend said,<br />                       &quot;We agreed that we would not improve our lie.&quot;<br />                       No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that                        he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would                        not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club.<br />                       As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings,                        each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out                        big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! <br />                       Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot.                        The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from                        the pin.<br />                       &quot;Great shot!&quot; his friend exclaimed. &quot;What club did you use?&quot;<br />                       &quot;YOUR 7-iron!&quot; he replied.</p>                   

 My Fav so far it's a true story(not really) about our own JP  JP wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. How was your game, darling? asked his wife, Yvonne. I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight's gotten so damn bad I couldn't see where the ball went. shrugged John.

Well, you're 72 years old, said Yvonne. You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Jimmy along?But he's 85 and he doesn't even play golf any more protested JP. But he's got perfect eyesight, Yvonne pointed out ,he can watch the ball for you.

So the next day JP teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. Do you see it, do you see it? asked JP in anticipation. Yep! Jimmy answered. Well where is it? exclaimed JP, peering off into the distance.

I forgot, said Jimmy.

Nice one, Dave, lol. Yvonne thought it was funny too.

As I knew you both would ,couldn't resist

My game has been so bad lately that I went into the pro shop to enquire about re-gripping.

The assistant pro showed me a lovely set of grips and explained the benefits of each different type, and then how much it would cost me.

Having listened politely for ten minutes I'd had enough!

I said to him "You didn't listen to me, I told you I was playing badly so I don't need my clubs re-gripping, I need my ball retriever re-gripping!"

Russ

a golfer was playing in south africa when his ball came to rest on a large anthill.  He took a mighty swing and missed the ball, but hit the anthill and a couple of hundred ants were slaughtered....the ball remained on the anthill....another mighty slash at the ball only succeeded to slaughter a couple hundred more ants...this happened one more time, when the leader of the ant colony decided to have a council of war and after much deliberation the decision was that next time the golfer took his stance that the remaining ants were to all get on the ball!

Not golf related but it killed me

Somebody just txted me , all it said was  "A" "G" "B" "N"  I reckon thats BANG out of order!!

A hole behind

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

David re read i've edited it for you.

Now I know your yanking my chain ,and if you have to explain then there not FUNNY!!

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "Nah, she's left handed."

Tim and Santo meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Tim has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Tim holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

Santo is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Tim replies, "Somersaults."

Santo exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?"

Tim calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the Arse!"